How To Be Awesome: Lesson 915

In the spirit of Valentine’s day, I am going to share one of my “tricks” with everyone. & no, this is not a “how to get a girl into bed” trick. It is a, “I need to do something special for the girl I am dating but what?” trick. & also because this bitch’s girl’s song came up three times in two days & like hell if I am calling her. (Thank you for the support M.A.!) So instead I am going to vent one of the positive aspects of that relationship.


So this ex girlfriend of mine, let’s call her “Montana”, (She is a public figure now, so no need to bring any more attention to her,) was in her last semester of college when we were together. She had a full course load, plus one of her classes/activities involved being in office all day coordinating that day’s activities. (Yes, I am being vague on purpose. Deal with it.) She was so busy that she did not have time to step out for lunch/dinner. So every Thursday when she was stuck in office, I would bring her lunch, & if I was at her place that morning I would cook her breakfast. (I know, I just spew awesomeness anywhere I go.)

Well, this year her birthday was on a Thursday. She was not happy about it. So I devised a plan.

Now, being a good guy, you have a lot of people in your life that you have helped out. It just happens if you are a nice guy. & these people remember it.

Now I got a dozen roses that Wednesday night, & eleven of my guy friends to help me out throughout the day Thursday. First thing Thursday morning, around 7:00 am, I met with my friend Brett. I gave him one of the roses, & dropped him off at her place. A few minutes later she exited her building leaving for the office. Brett walked up to her & said, “Hey Montana, Happy birthday from Christofer.”

She was taken aback. Brett just smiled & walked away.

After she left, I picked Brett back up & dropped him off at his place. About an hour later, I met up with my friend Pat. I gave him a rose, & he went to her office, & did the same thing.

This continued all day with nine more of my guy friends delivering her rose after rose wishing her a happy birthday. (My friend Josh also dropped off lunch I got for her since it was around lunch time then.)

Every girl in her office was jealous. She was smiling the entire time. By the time the last few guy friends of mine walked in her office with a rose, everyone was like, “Montana is over there.” One of Montana’s friends told her that: “your boyfriend needs to start hanging out with my boyfriend. I want stuff like this!”

Wait, that only makes eleven roses. You said you bought a dozen. What happened to the last one?

Glad you asked!

I had Montana’s roommate let me in to their place so I could put the last rose, rose petals, & her presents in her room for when she got home. Yes, after all of that, I got her presents. That were in a crush red velvet present box. One of them being an USB jump drive as she was always complaining that “emailing her files back & forth from work to her computer was a pain.”

Was she appreciative of this?
Yes. She was upset beforehand because her birthday was ruined due to work & it turned out great instead. All of her friends were jealous of her, (she really liked that part). & she was spoiled for the entire day. I mean, what girl doesn't like being spoiled?


For those of you (guys) wondering how much effort was put into this (or what would be needed to duplicate it):

- Planning one week prior with my friends to coordinate this with their schedules.
- Setting up more than eleven friends (because people will flake out. I had two flake & the replacements were awesome in stepping up.)
- Organizing with her roommate when I could get in & set up her room.
- Shopping for presents the week prior.
- Getting roses the day before & hiding them from her.
- Spending the whole day Thursday meeting with my friends & coordinating the rose drop-offs.

Did she deserve such a great birthday? At the time I thought so.

Am I glad I did it? Yes. Every girl deserves to be spoiled at least once in her lifetime.



& this is where I end the story because nothing good happened after this in the relationship.

As always comments are welcome below!

It Always Starts With A Girl

So Donny met this girl that works in the leasing office of his building, who mentions that she strips at The Circus once in awhile. Her next time will be next Thursday. Now a girl revealing this sort of information to a guy screams that she likes him.

Starting Expectations: Going to a strip-club with Donny & friends, where Donny knows a striper that: A) works there B) likes him C) gave him a personal invite D) can introduce us to the other strippers. Sounds kind of awesome, right?


Day before:
I get a message from Donny that he talked to the girl, who goes by “Bettie LaRoux”, said it is more of a burlesque show than a strip show. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST OF MANY RED FLAGS. First off, strippers have names like Cupcake, Candy, Porsche, Mercedes, Valerie…ok, not Valerie. But that ex might as well have been a stripper. Second off, “Burlesque Show”. I figured that because it was on a Thursday that it would have been an amateur night or something of the sort. Also, when I think of “Burlesque Show”, I think of The Pussy Cat Dolls. Vegas Showgirls. Dancing/singing entertainment but adult oriented. These red flags were masked very well, so I thought nothing of it.

Day of:
The city this happens to be in, Columbus, had issued a “Level 1 Emergency” due to the huge amounts of snow it received & was still receiving.

How much snow you ask?

FIVE INCHES. Now growing up in Ohio, specifically Cleveland, I have seen twelve plus inches drop in a matter of hours & the cities having no problems clearing the roads. I also heard on the radio that “all 120 plows in Columbus were out working to clear the roads.” So what is the big deal Columbus?!? & also, what does a “Level 1 Emergency” consist of?!? I don’t know, but this caused all but three of us to cancel.

So Donny, Jon, & I meet at Donny’s. Now I, not drinking till my birthday, offer to drive so Jon & Donny can drink. (I know. What a really nice guy I am. Thank you for saying so!) We get to the Circus. They have curtains up to the left of the door when you walk in, but the entire front of the place that faces the street is ALL GLASS WINDOWS. This should have been another red flag. What kind of strip club has glass windows for the entire front of the place?

We pay the five dollar cover & enter. It is at this point we realize that it is not in fact a strip club, but just a regular bar. A bar that puts on a Burlesque Show type thing every month. Jon decides he is hungry & since it is a bar, goes to order food. He finds out that the kitchen of the Circus is closed. At 9pm. At this point Jon says “I will be back” & leaves. (Bye Jon.) Donny gets a Jack & Coke & gets me a regular Coke. We sit & watch a band set up the stage.

A band?

Yes, A band. Moving Parts to be exact. (Do not Google them. Not worth it. I do not even know how I remembered the band’s name.) This should have been yet another red flag. Donny & I talk for a bit & Jon comes back with a horror story about the lack of food options he encountered, & he gets a Jack & Coke from the bar.

The MC takes the mic, & does his thing, & introduces the first girl. (Now while Donny & I were talking, I was thinking about the situation. A bar, having girls strip, Not licensed for it, could lose their liquor license among other legal actions. I was wondering if there was a catch or if the bar just did not care.)

The first girl comes out scantily clad.

----- At this point in the story I would like to point out that in my life, I have always been honest, always been as nice as possible & always been as courteous as possible. When having to choose between being nice & being honest, I always, ALWAYS, choose to be honest. With that being said...-----

This girl was the type of girl who, wearing a full piece bathing suit to the pool, would make desperate men gag & run away.
Captain Ahab would have manned a ship in that pool screaming “Thaarr she blows!!!!”
If it was her & one man left on this planet to repopulate the world, that man would find a way to artificially inseminate her.


Some song starts playing as she walks out balancing a metal tray on her head with two candles on it. Like glade candles. When she gets to the front of the stage I notice that the tray has a clip on it that is connected to her hair. SHE IS NOT EVEN BALANCING THE TRAY. This girl then proceeds to take one of the candles, & pour the hot wax on herself. Not in a sexy-kinky-seductive way. She just pours it on herself with no emotion or expression. She then does so with the other candle all while doing some weird dancing thing. Now, in the last minute of the song, she takes off her clothes leaving on her bottoms with pasties on her tits. (There is the catch ladies & gentleman!) In the remaining 30 some seconds she takes one of the candles & throws the remaining wax all over her chest, again with no expression, emotion, & not in a sexy-kinky-seductive way.

At this point these thoughts ran through my head:
What the FUCK did Donny get me into
This chic that Donny is talking to BETTER BE HOT
I am sober. SOBER. I NEED TO BE BLACKED-OUT-DRUNK FOR SHIT LIKE THIS!
There are at least three semi-hot chicks in the audience who would be WAY BETTER than any of these girls!
Where is the closest REAL strip club? WE NEED TO GO THERE NOW.

This goes on for two more girls, who are of same caliber, then we hear the MC state that “Bettie LaRoux” is coming on stage. Cute face, nice smile, so I can see how Donny would get hooked in, but I have to say is this: Donny has done better. Way better. & can do better. Way better. I later told this to him since he was intoxicated while viewing said show. (Gotta look out for your bro’s!)

So you figure five girls, five songs about two-three minutes each. One minute between girls. A total of roughly twenty minutes. Ok. Now the MC says that the band is going to play a set for intermission.

This band proceeds to play for the next TWO HOURS. TWO HOUR INTERMISSION. All original songs. Very, very loudly. The MC gets up on stage & announces that the band will be playing a few more, then we will move on to the next act. This is when I go to the bar. Even though I was dragged into this by my friend, I am still nice. I get Donny & Jon a Jack & Coke, & a regular Coke for myself. The bartender, who had a shaved head & multiple piercings on his face gave me a look. What type of look you ask? The type of look that says, “So you want two drinks for men, & something to wet your vagina with.” I now need to kill a bear with my hands to regain the manliness that was taken from me by that look.

I return with the drinks & notice something. The crowd that was in this bar was 99% hipster/emo/skater type. But now, by the bar, there stood two black gentleman with polo’s & baseball hats on, & a white girl in a very red, very nice evening gown type dress. They stood out like chain smoking meth heads at a Mormon Sunday picnic. You guessed it, our next act.

The MC introduces the vocal group by their name, (don’t ask, I blacked it out from my memory,) & they take the stage. Now the two gentlemen: Imagine Outkast, but when they were 17. They had some potential. The girl? Well, when she took the stage, Donny, Jon & I all agreed on one thing: She was pregnant. Very pregnant.

Did she have any potential like the two gentleman?

If you count “angrily screaming into the mic like your kid didn’t do the dishes” as potential, then yes.

(Side note: I feel sorry for the kid that is about to be born from her. He has a life of verbal abuse coming to him that no man/woman/thing should ever have. He is going to have so many complexes that a team of psychologist will be busy for years to come.)

At this point, we can not help but laugh at the whole situation. Both Jon & I decide to start blaming Donny. We both still blame Donny.

Now instead of watching this vocal group, I had focused my attention on a certain cowboy hat wearing, hula hoop toting brunette. She had entered the Circus while the band was playing during the “intermission”. She was clearing room below the stage asking people to move their chairs back so she had room. I was intrigued.

The vocal group finished, & the MC announces that the burlesque portion of the show will continue. He introduces one of the same girls, & it continues. Yay. So excited! (Sarcasm.)

Now when it comes to the brunettes turn, I was sort of impressed. She kept the hula hoop going the entire time while taking off her skirt, her top, & her bra, for the entire song.

Wow, she sounds like a fun girl! Did you talk to her?

No. & here is why: She might be the sharpest crayon in the box, but she is still a crayon.

What do you mean by that?

Explanation:
Let’s say you are in a park with an eight-year-old child. Who’s child? I don’t care. Your niece. Your kid. Your cousin. For all I care you could have bought the kid from gypsies. Point being, it is you & a little child in the park. Now let’s say a pack of wild wolves approach & attack. You, being the adult, have to protect yourself & the child from the wolves. Now let’s say & all you have is a coloring book & a box of crayons that the child brought. In these parameters, logic would state that you grab the sharpest crayon in the box to defend yourself. Hence, in that given situation, the best you can do is the sharpest crayon, but you will still lose as even the sharpest crayon is not good enough.

She was the sharpest crayon in the box, but alas, she was still a crayon.

A few more girls do their thing & the MC announces another band. Three songs in, we decide it is time to go. Donny closes his tab, & we leave.


Jon & I blame Donny for the heightened expectations, & the sheer disappointment of the night. Those who stayed in due to the weather chose wisely.




For those of you judging me right now:

If you are going to put on an art show, you are not going to show a blank canvas that your drunk uncle Bob puked on during Christmas dinner. You are going to show pieces of art that are good. You are going to show pieces of art that people want to see. Same thing goes for Strip clubs & burlesque shows or any sort of performance art. It has to be something that people want to see.


& as always, feel free to leave comments below or at contact@christofergutekunst.com

Life Points

So this past summer, my good friend Jacob & I visited our friend Justin in Chicago. Among the many fun & idiotic things that happened, one was the creation of "Life Points". (Please keep in mind that when "Life Points" was created we had just finished off one of these & were at the bars continuing the party.)

Think of playing a video game & earning points. You know the cool graphics that appear above your character when you gain points? Focus on that aspect. Now, take that out of the video game, & apply it to real life with positive & negative points. +/-

Hold open a door for an old lady? Plus Ten Life Points. +10

Spit your gum out on the sidewalk? Negative Ten Life Points. -10

Save a child from a burning building? Plus a Million Life Points. +1,000,000

Push a baby in a stroller into the Grand Canyon? Negative a Million Life Points. -1,000,000


Get the idea? The better/worse the deed, the higher the positive/negative point count.

The idea is, for an entire day, keep a tally of your +/- score at the end of the day. If it was positive, then you were a good person for today. If it was negative, you were not really a good person today.

For the entire weekend, we would randomly say, outloud so that others could hear, "Plus ten Life Points". "Negative fifteen Life Points."

I know as the entire weekend went on we added to the system & it became more complex, but at this point, I can not remember the exact details.

I think the hardest part was figuring out the point scale.

+/-10 for standard good/bad deeds (hold door open/littering).
+/-50 for anything slightly beter/worse (stopping friends from fighting/spreading untrue rumors about someone).
+/-100 vehicular hit-&-run/reporting a hit-&-run.
+/-XXX where XX is the dollar amount.

Now, using this scale as a rough guideline, take everything you did today & assign a +/- point to it, then tally up the total. How did you fair for the day?



Note: no babies in strollers were pushed into the Grand Canyon...that I know of.

Wager of 2011

My life has been, & is, anything but ordinary. I like it this way. One of my little’s, Donny, has a similar aspect to his life. (Before everyone starts asking what I mean by “little”, if you do not know, I will not tell you. & do not ask. Be a trooper & find out on your own. I mean this in the nicest way possible because I just do not like explaining it.)

Well, with that said about my life & Donny’s life, why not make it interesting? We have entered into a wager for 2011. Between Donny & I, the person who has the best story for 2011, that has to happen in its entirety from January 1st 2011 to December 31st 2011, wins.

Wins what you ask?
Why a full liter bottle of Jack Daniels of course. (Provided by the loser. This is in no way sponsored or endorsed by Jack Daniels...although that would be AMAZING!)

What are the parameters?
Glad you asked!
---In 2011, live your life to the fullest & have great stories to tell from it. Preferably a top three. With details. (Names can be changed to protect the awesome.)
---Sometime after January 1st 2012, Donny’s & Christofer’s top three stories will be compared.
---If there is not a definite winner, which how Donny & Christofer like to debate, there will not be, a panel of judges will decide.
---Stories must be able to be verified if someone calls bullsh*t. Which we will most likely call bullsh*t on eachother at least twice.

Who are these panel judges you speak of?

Well so far we have Adam. We have also stated that two of the judges should be strangers to both of us so it is a fair judging. (Adam has already stated his vote could be bought.) Both Donny & Christofer must agree to each judge before they are accepted.

Panel Judges:

1) Adam C.
2) Jon M.
3) Yet To Be Named
4) Stranger Yet To Be Named
5) Stranger Yet To Be Named

How will these judges judge the stories?

I have no idea. We have a year. I am sure they can come up with a few categories, assign points, & vote. It is not rocket science...unless one of our stories involved Kennedy Space Center & a mission launch. Just sayin...

How does one become a judge?
I do not know. But you can follow me (Christofer) on twitter @CRGutekunst & Donny @DonnyInitiative in attempts to befriend us & weasel your way onto the panel. Who knows, we may expand the panel to more than five members. We have a year to break amend the rules.



*Update 01-17-2011 Jon added as a judge.

I Do Not Own A TV

Many people do not believe me when I say this. But I do not, & have not, owned a TV since August of 2000. & yes, there is a story behind this.

May of 2000 I was moving out of the dorms & did not want to lug the 25 inch TV I had in my dorms back home. Since I was moving in to the fraternity house that fall, I decided to leave it there till the fall. Now, this was not your flat screen LCD 25 inch TV. It was an old wood box tube TV that weighed about a lot.

When I got to the house, I ran into one of my fraternity brothers Zack. Now Zack did not have a TV in his room. We quickly came to the arrangement that he could use my TV till I moved in & he would help me carry it to the third floor when I moved it. Perfect.

Fast-Forward to August when I move in.

Zack & I carry this beast of a TV up three flights of stairs to my room. It was not fun. After I get everything set up, I move the TV where I want it & run the cable, turn it on & everything is good.

About two weeks after that, I go to watch TV in my room for the first time. I turn it on, hear a "poof" noise & see a flash of white from the tube. It died. So I call my dad who says, "That thing is older than you, throw it out & we will get you a new one."

So, being who I am, I decide to have fun getting rid of the tv. I go across the hall when Rick's room was. I just say, "I need some help moving my TV."

Rick comes across the hall expecting to move the TV down the stairs & notices I already have it by the window. The open window. With the screen removed. On the fourth floor. Rick just smiled.

We get the bulking TV up on the ledge then Rick peeks out. "Clear!"

We push I watch. Just then, the back door opens & Justin walks out.

CrAsH!!!

Luckily it landed about ten feet away from Justin. He looked up & started cursing us & saying we needed to clean it up.


Now I was supposed to get a new TV, but my car ended up needing work so instead of a new TV, I got my car fixed. I have not owned a TV since.

New Year Resolutions 2011

New Year’s Resolutions:

1. Don’t die in 2011
I try to make this a resolution every year. My friends who know me know that I tend to do off the wall things sometimes. They have also told me that I am most likely going to die by my own hands. (examples: I have hit 150 mph on a Yamaha R1 & 160 mph in my Audi TT.) I have no problem with this, as long as it is fun. But I would like it to NOT be in the near future.

2. Go to a beach on east coast & west coast
I figured it would be somewhat of an achievement to say that I have been on a beach on each coast in a year. Plus I have friends I want to visit on each coast. So why not?

3. Really, don’t die in 2011!
Just a friendly reminder of #1, cause I need it.

4. Do a random act of kindness once a month
Many times people take things for granted. Have you ever seen someone struggling with luggage or groceries? See someone broken down on the side of the road? If you were ever in that situation, what would you give for someone to stop & help you? I plan on keeping my eyes open for these situations &, once a month being that person that offers the helping hand to someone in need.

5. Do Stand Up
I have had people tell me I am funny. But these people know me. What would a group of strangers think? Why not find out. What is the worst that can happen?

6. Avoid Crown Royal at all costs.
Thanks to Khieu, I have ingested more than enough Crown Royal 3-4 ounces at a time. My stomach cringes at the smell of it now. No more Crown Royal for a longtime my friends.

7. Do not drink till my birthday in 2011
I have done this before. Once was in college to put myself in check, the other times was to get back in shape. This is one of those get-back-in shape/apologize-to-my-liver times. Plus I could use a good break. The time from January first till my birthday is not short, but not too long. So I think it will be plenty of time. Plus, who doesn’t want a drink or two on their birthday? P.S. Props to you if you know my birthday.

8. Get another tattoo
I have one tattoo. I got it August of 2000. I have wanted another one since. I have two that I will definitely get, one is my family shield that I will show people, the other one will be hidden & no one will know I got it unless they see it. THAT tattoo is for me & me alone because I do not think anyone understands.


I think that is it, but I might add more in a few days.

A College Story

So while in college, I lived in the fraternity house I was a member of. A lot of insane events took place there, but this is one of my favorites.

The one evening, there was a few of us sitting around one of the main rooms discussing the odd alcohol related items we have seen. This included to custom beerpong tables, beer bongs, different types of shot glasses, ice luges, etc. Now Josh, who is still a good friend of mine, had the room next to mine on the second floor & was a part of this discussion.

Two days later, Josh comes down the stairs into the main room with a grin on his face. After questioning him about it, all he said was this.

“I have a package being shipped here. When it arrives, nobody open it. Just set it in the front room for me so it will be like Christmas morning when I see it.”

& about two days later, guess what arrived. A rather large, rather heavy, brown box. When Josh got back from class later that day, he was excited. How excited? Imagine Charlie Sheen being handed four eight balls of cocaine by two strippers & two porn stars with the President of the United States right behind them saying, “Hey Charlie, no matter what happens, I will pardon you. So have at it!”

That excited.

When Josh opened it up, inside was a Jagermeister machine. Yes kids, one of these.



Now Josh & I always made sure our rooms were stocked for parties, this just upped the ante. I am not 100% sure on the numbers, but I estimate that over the next month, Josh had to have spent around $1,500 on Jagermeister & Redbull.
People would be back & forth doing shots of Jack Daniels or Bacardi in my room, to Jager-Bombs in his room. Needless to say, that semester was somewhat of a blur. It was also the semester that, during a party, I walked into my room to find about ten people partying it up with my bosses boss.

But THAT my friends, is another story!

Once Upon A Sorority Formal

So while I was in college I became a member of The Delta Chi Fraternity. (Side Note: If you EVER have any question as to if you should join a fraternity/sorority, I say YES. Even if it is for one year, the experience is unlike any other.)

Well we had a group of girls we referred to as “The Hoe Train”. Not because they slept with everyone, but because they were just the opposite. They were friends with all the guys, hung out a lot, partied with us all the time & even told us which girls to stay away from.

Well these girls were in a sorority, which will remain nameless due to the contents of this story, & they decided that as a thank you they were going to take a few of us to their formal. The following story is about said formal.


Now because we always hooked the girls up with alcohol, drunk food, & futons/couches to crash on, they decided to set up everything for the pregame & after party. They got three rooms at the “Tally-Ho Inn”. (Sounds like a $30 a night slum...it was.) They also bought what seemed like an unlimited amount of alcohol. We started pre-gaming way, way to early & were gone by the time we got our rides to the Student Center.

Why the Student Center?
Because that is where the charter busses were picking everyone up.

Charter busses?
Yes. To drive us to & from the Country Club.

Country Club?
The one sorority girl’s parents were nice enough to let us use their Country Club.

Oh no....what happened?
Oh no is right. Here’s what happened:

We were told the rules upon entering the busses:
We were to stay in the banquet room that was ours.
No going to the main club bar as we had our own.
No going outside anywhere near or on the golf course.

Rules? Rigggghhhht...

From what I recall, there were at least 10-15 people at the club bar at a time. People were having sex in the bathrooms. Not just the ones in our banquet room, but the main ones. The Men’s & Women’s bathrooms. I even think my one buddy (who was in a different fraternity) had sex with his date in the coat room. I remember seeing at least four girls puking, one in the main area right by the entrance doors. People went on the golf course. I KNOW my other buddy (in yet a different fraternity) had sex on the ninth hole green.

Now, with me working the previous summer on a golf course maintenance crew, I had a universal key (& still have said key) to any Club Car golf cart. I put this into use with my friend who was in the fraternity two doors down from me. We drove the back nine, & turffed the thirteenth & the fifteenth greens. We did this all without spilling our Jack Daniels & Diet Cokes. (We were proud of that accomplishment.)

Now, after an hour or so into the formal, rumor had spread that we had (cheap) rooms at the Tally-Ho Inn. The other girls in the sorority ended up getting another ten plus rooms at the hotel, & bringing more alcohol. The entire sorority & dates showed up afterwards. (This would be around 180 or more drunk college students in case you cannot figure the numbers yourself.)

Now, when we were pre-gaming, I found something that stated the hotel had a pool. I turned to my date & said “We need to find this pool.” After a ten-fifteen minute walk around the hotel, (all outside as it was THAT cheap of a place), we failed to find said pool. BUT after the formal during the after party, I wanted to make a second effort. Alas I could not find my date, but two other members of the sorority were more than happy to help.

This part is fuzzy, but I remember was told this:
We found the pool.
The pool was empty.
I ended up in the empty pool.
I lost all my clothes.
I still had my Jack Daniels & Diet Coke.
The girls ran off with my clothes.

So I walked back to the rooms but naked, but with drink in hand. This was amusing to EVERYONE. Finally one of the girls tossed me my Nike mesh shorts, & I stood outside the room with a few people talking & drinking. A few minutes goes by, & my date comes out of the room saying, “Oh my lord, I just heard you were naked in a pool & I missed it!” She then sits on the curb next to me with her drink in hand.

Well, being the gentleman I am, I stood up, turned to her & said “here is what you missed!” & then I dropped the Nike shorts to my feet.

Her response?
“Oh my lord Christofer Robin, I am starring at your penis.”

Everyone is highly amused by me once again, & I pull the Nike shorts back up, & just in time. No more than five seconds later, I really, really bright light is shined on all of us. It is Kent’s finest. The police.
People scatter. Some go to other rooms, some go in our room. My date, who is still twenty at the time, freezes. (She was kind of a goody too shoes.) I tell her to leave her drink & go inside. One of the other girls, who was of age, picked up her drink & stood there next to me.

The two officers came up, & the one started asking us questions. Now I can keep my composure pretty well when drinking, so talking to the police was not an issue. The issue was the other officer went over to the door & tapped it with his flashlight. & because it was not fully closed, it swung wide open, giving them the go ahead to walk right in. The officer I was talking to had us all go inside “so we could all talk”.

Once inside, I see the chaotic drunken hurricane we were. Beer cans everywhere. Empty liquor bottles all over. Shot glasses anywhere there was room. Plus around fifteen drunken fraternity & sorority members. All of us were over twenty-one. Well, all but my date.

Now a little bit about my date before this part. She had a very good upbringing. Two older sisters, & parents that cared. She NEVER swore. NEVER lied. ALWAYS said thank you. Even wasted she was polite. This girl, who I still talk to today, is a doll. She had aspirations of going to law school, & doing great things in her life.

Now, back to the room. Everyone is quiet, & the officer, pointing with his flashlight to each person one by one, starts asking, “Are you twenty-one?” I look at my date who is sitting on one of the beds. She has fear in her eyes. My only though was this: “****** is so fucked. She doesn’t lie.”

When the officer points his flashlight at her, & asks “are you twenty-one?” She replies “Yes” & puts her head down in shame.

My first thought?
“Holy Shit! ****** lied to a cop!!!”

My second thought?
“Did I just say that out loud?!?”

Thank GOD I didn’t.

Luckily, we only got a warning from the officers. I am sure it had to do with them being lazy & too much paperwork.

At this point we had learned our lesson & decided to go to bed….

NOT! We stayed up & partied for even longer, but stayed inside the rooms & hopped from room-to-room dorm style.


Now the results of this formal:

Because of my antics, the entire sorority would constantly refer to me, & call me, “The Swimmer”

Because of the actions of the sorority, they ended up on probation for two years. Some of the girls were kicked out.

The girl’s parents who were members of the Country Club? They were no longer members the following week.

My date did in fact go to law school.



All in all, I would say it was a good formal. Well, atleast in my opinion.

"Here, hold this"

So…Some number of years ago this happened:

Me & a few of my friends, who will remain nameless, were out drinking in a popular suburb of Cleveland. At one point I lived in said suburb for six months. Among all the places we would go, there was one bar in particular that always had fights due to the mass amounts of meatheads the bar attracted. We usually avoided this bar, but on this night, for some reason, we thought it was a good idea to go there.

We show up, grab a few, & hang out. Less than ten minutes in, a fight breaks out right next to us. Now, there were fights there so frequently, that the bar was required to have police on location. It took less than a minute for two police officers to come over & break it up. Right after they broke up the fight & were about to cuff the guys, ANOTHER fight broke out on the other side of the bar. In all of this confusion, my buddy decided to grab the police officer’s MAGLite, & hand it to me saying, “Here, hold this!”

& of course, yours truly took the MAGLite, & stuffed it under my track jersey I was wearing. Everyone then proceeded to the exit, where we walked by the police officers & wished them a good night.

Once outside, the MAGLite was turned on as we went down the street. Shinning it on people, at cars, in bars, etc. Now at this point, I would like to apologize to the person who lived in my apartment after me for shining the flashlight in the windows & repeatedly yelling “I USED TO LIVE THERE!!!” I am sorry, I was a dick.

At the end of the night, I ended up with the MAGLite, & my buddy who handed it to me was not too thrilled. But I had plans.

About six months later, it was my buddies birthday. I took the MAGLite to Things Remembered, & had “ ‘Suburbs Name’ Police Department” engraved on it. He got it for his birthday. He was thrilled.

Running

So when I ran track in highschool I only did sprints, nothing more than a 400m dash. My coach once put me in the mile, but after one lap I "accidentally" stepped off the track infront of the line judge I was disqualified.

Recently I have started to run longer distances, mainly trying to run 5K, & have been doing pretty good with the training but never able to do more than three to three & a half miles. The other day I found a marked 5K trail that was in a park close by & decided to run it to see how I would do.

I went there today & when I got out of the car I started to stretch & put my headphones on. What I didn't realize was that no more than 50 feet away there was about 20 or so kids having a picnic. Did I mention that all the kids were in wheelchairs? Yeah, that's right.

When I first noticed this, my first thought was "Oh shit, I am an asshole." You want to talk about awkward. Then I made eye contact with one of the kids. I got the, "I wish I could run" look. At that point I felt really really bad. Horrible.

So I stared running. Trying to not think about what just happened & focus on the run. Well, somehow (Karma) I missed the halfway turnaround point for the 5K (Karma) & by the time I realized it I was way way past it. (Karma.) I turn around & head back. Because (Karma) I missed the turnaround, my 5K was turned into an 8K (Karma).

Now I am sore, my calves feel like they are on fire, my body hates me, & I can not drink enough water. Well played God, well played.


I consider myself a nice person & a decent human being. I have tons of friends who will back me up on this too. I want to chalk this one up to wrong place, wrong time but there has to be a lesson learned. Always know & be aware of your surroundings.

Drinking

Drinking

In high school I never drank. In college I drank a lot (sometimes in class). Right after college I drank socially. Now I drink maybe 4-5 times a year. One of those times was this past Saturday, thanks to Josh.

Usually when I go out, since I do not drink, I am the designated driver. I stop by the Keebler House, we go out, I drop people off, & the night is over & everyone is safe. But last week Josh called with tickets to an Arena Football game before going out. The next thing he said is, “Why don’t you just pack a bag & crash on the couch?” What Josh was actually saying was, “You have not drank in awhile & I think you should.”

So I show up around 6 pm with a bag packed, drop it off then Josh & I head downtown to the game. If anyone has not been to an Arena Football game I highly suggest going. It is an experience (especially when you are so close to the players that you have conversations with them!)

Now Josh has this knack for finding the bartenders, no matter what the place/event, that serve the most potent of drinks (mainly Jack Daniels & Diet Coke). Before we head to the seats, Josh finds said bartender, & gets us two JD&DC’s. This bartender mixed them like I used to back in college, & it was glorious!

During halftime, we go walking around where Josh goes for round two. I stop to think. “If I am going to be drinking like THIS all night, I might want to take it slow.” So I tell Josh I am going to pass on this one & continue later.

----BEST PART ABOUT MY FRIENDS: If you ever pass on drinking, they will not make fun of you. You might get ONE comment on occasion, but they understand it is a choice you make, not them.----

Game ends & we head back to meet up with Jordan, who is running late as always. As we step inside, Josh points out that his dogs, Walker & Jax (mainly Walker), decide to tear open my bag & dig out my toothpaste & toothbrush. Walker, a huge, untrained & wild husky, apparently likes toothpaste. Thank you Under Armor for making a backpack to withstand the vicious attack of a toothpaste loving husky. No damage to the backpack, but I did have to get a new toothbrush.

Jordan FINALLY shows up, & we head out.

First stop, Blind Pig. Not a fan of this place, but Jordan wanted to go, & since she is a girl, we were nice & obliged. JD&DC for Josh &, Jordan got some fruity rum thing.

Now we headed to Tequila Ranch (TR). Josh is so well known here that he does not even have to order. When they see him walk in, they instantly mix up a JD&DC. Oh, did I forget to mention that we were drinking doubles? (Not in the normal rocks-glass, but in the taller pint drink glass.) Of course I follow suit with a JD&DC.

So we are just sitting, talking, whatever & I honestly do not recall how many refills of JD&DC I had. The bartenders just kept them coming without asking if we wanted another. If I had to estimate, I would say at least five more were had in the next hour & a half. Now for as social as my friends & I are, we are also geeks with technology, & focused on what we are doing in life. So while sitting there talking, we are on facebook, twitter, checking email, etc. My buddies Josh & Doug love talking business. Jordan, not so much. She just makes fun of us.

Now somewhere between round three & four, TR gets packed. One blonde girl that just screamed “I am Josh’s type” comes up to the bar next to him. Now since I am such a great wingman, I take it upon myself to make sure that she & Josh start talking.
More on that one over here: Josh & Doug's Blog

As Josh & the blonde start talking, I move away to let him do what he does. At that time I noticed a girl about five feet away with a pink “bachelorette” sash with flashing lights on it. Of course I could not see this & not say anything. This ended up in getting them a round of shots. Specifically a round of S.O.S.’s. They thought the shots were “really really strong”. Anyone who knows what an S.O.S. is will find the humor in this.

This is where things get fuzzy. I remember Josh saying something about two girls across the bar from us, & Jordan saying “They know you are looking at them.” So I make my way around & introduce myself. Josh comes over & conversation ensues. At this point, Jordan wants to go to Dive Bar. Josh stays, & Jordan & I head over. (Mind you I did not remember going to Dive Bar until MONDAY MORNING.)

What I recall from Dive Bar:

A brunette girl named Theresa that did some sort of running/drinking marathon that night.
Maybe shots…?

Not much, huh? Just one of MANY reasons I rarely drink. What I do recall is getting back (by cab) & pulling out my preemptive strike hangover remover. A bottle of Gatorade & Tylenol. This is a tactic I learned in college thanks to the fraternity I belonged to.

Next thing I know, I hear my alarm on my iPhone going off. 6am, time for church! I get up, fully recovered but dehydrated, head back, shower change, rehydrate, go to church then go boating for the day.

I cannot say exactly when the next time I am going to drink will be, but it might not be till New Years unless another big event comes along.


Side note: Theresa, you were a cool girl. Maybe if I was not so intoxicated I would have thought to ask you to dinner & got your number!

People I would like to get drunk with

There are always the questions people randomly ask to try & get to know others. If you could eat dinner with anyone, who would it be? If you could fight anyone, who would it be? (Thank you Fight Club.) If you were trapped on a deserted island, what three items would you bring?

Well I have one of my own. Over the course of your life, who would you like to get drunk with? I like to use this one because there is no limit. I do not ask which one person. It could be five, fifty or however many you can think of. Below are my people (in no particular order).

Conan O’Brien:
We could commentate on everything happening at the bar, & interview random people for the hell of it.
Pat Wentz: (Kent State Social Monster, & now Columbus, Ohio resident.)
I have already gotten drunk with him many times & hey, why not one more?
Chelsea Clinton:
Her & I have the same birthday. Like same day, same year. I almost sent a letter to the White House inviting her to celebrate her 21st with me at Kent State.
Boris Spassky: (Russian Chess champion who was beat by Bobby Fisher)
Take the collapse of Russia, the loss of the Cold War, & put that into a man who was beat by a child at a sophisticated game of intellect. I am sure he as a few stories to share over some vodka.
Joan of Arc:
Uhm, she led an army to key victories during the 100 years war, I am sure she can lead one hell of a bar crawl, & can handle her own in a bar fight!
Ellen Degeneres:
If she is that upbeat & outgoing sober, imagine how much more she would be after a few shots?
Ashton Kutchner:
He is a prankster who is all about having fun. Plus we have a mutual friend we could share stories about.
Ke$ha:
One condition: She has to START sober!
Wyatt Earp:
OK Corral anyone?
Tiger Woods:
Bars have Golden Tee, & that would be my only chance to beat him at golf. Bonus: Every time he looks at a girl I get to say: “I am going to tell Elin!”
Lady Gaga:
This would be anything but normal, & nothing short of awesome.
Al Gore:
We would play the card game “Bullshit”. & no matter what he said, I would call bullshit the entire game, every time.
Betty Ford:
So I can say, “I got drunk with Betty Ford” & enjoy the irony of the statement.
Tom Cruise:
I would just love to hear his drunken rants & what is on his mind.
M.C. Escher:
How & why he came about his images he created.
Don “Mr. Wizard” Herbert
Could you imagine the bar tricks this guy has?
Dale Carnegie:
Talk about the ultimate wing man.



Who would you want to get drunk with & why?

That Man

So today I was at Marc's (think of Wal*Mart, but local, cheaper, & shady) & when I was walking down an aisle, there was an unfit mother yelling at her child. How was she unfit? Not because she was yelling at her child, but by what she was saying.

True, she did have a high pitched banshee like scream that would make ANY child, man, or woman run away. I almost turned around halfway down the aisle to avoid the whole scene because of her yells, but unfortunately, I continued onward. As I walked by I heard, along with probably every other customer in Marc's, her berating her child to stay close & don't get lost because there are bad people in this world. She specifically mentioned murderers & kidnappers.

At this point I realized my mistake in not turning around halfway down the aisle.

As I walked by her eyes darted at me. I did not make eye contact, just looked forward beyond what was happening, when she pointed at me, looked at her child, & said the following:

"Like him. That man is going to kidnap you if you don't stay close to me."

Really?!?! I mean, REALLY?!?!?! I do not think, nor has anyone ever mentioned to me ever, that I resemble any sort of kidnapping type. & great parenting by the way. I wonder how many other complexes & fears you are going to give your child over the next few years?

Just because your child will not listen to you, & you are frustrated about it, does not mean you get to point me, someone you do not know, out as a kidnapper to your child, let alone an entire store!

I paused for a second, was about to say something, but then kept my mouth shut & kept walking. I could easily see the child start to cry/scream/whatever at the thought of me, the kidnapper, coming at him, & then his howling banshee of a mother start to yell at me for causing her child’s distress & panic. I had my items to purchase already, so I just walked away to the cash register.

Sad part is, the child still did not listen. As I was being rung out by the cashier, I heard the banshee scream, "What did I tell you!!! He will get you if you don't stay by me!!!"

Part of me wanted to go find the isle the mother & child was in, stand at the end of it with the meanest face I could make, & just point at the child. But I figured that the next ten plus years of that child’s life with the banshee was going to be hard enough, why give him a kidnapping complex as well.

A glimpse into my way of thinking

Here is a story about how I think about situations.

It was the end of the spring semester of sixth grade, I was thirteen. I was sitting in social studies & my teacher Mr. Tressel, (not the “Ohio State Buckeyes” Mr. Tressel but his brother,) was sitting with each student to give them their progress & grade potentials. When Mr. Tressel called me to his desk I found out that I had a mid B. Now, being the end of the semester with little class work left, I started to ask a few questions about assignments left to see if it was possible to get the A. His answer: Even if I got 100% on the final two assignments & the last test, I would still end up with a B.
Now this is where my thinking turns. I then proceed to ask him what if I get 0% on the two assignments & test?
From what I can remember he was taken aback, but he still did the math. If I got 0% on those two assignments & test, I would still hold onto my B. I thought about this for a second, said ok, & returned to my seat. What did I do? Nothing. Well, nothing pertaining to social studies that is.
I did not do the two assignments. I used the social studies class time for the rest of the year to finish up other course work, or sign people’s yearbooks. (Yearbook signing was a huge thing at Roehm Middle School, you would have had to gone there to understand.) When it came time for that test, I failed. Miserably. Out of 100 points I think I managed to get 20 or so.
What was this test on you might be asking? Nothing really, just the states & capitals of The Unites States of America. & yes, to this day, because of my way of thinking in this particular situation, I can not name many of the states or capitals.

“How soon 'not now' becomes "never'.”

Ever notice how some, well most, people push off things? A talking, that vacation, a doctors visit, fixing the car...

It usually is explained by, "Not now because -insert excuse here-." & there are many reasons for this. Fear. Skewed priorities. Lack of confidence. Comfort level.

I have a cousin who now has to have a toe amputated b/c he never went to the doctors over something small, that eventually turned worse & got infected.

I had a friend who never rode a roller coaster till he was 23. He was always afraid as a child. His first words when getting of the Millenium Force at Cedar Point, "So THIS is what I have been missing?!?!?!"


Most people want to do whatever it is, but lack something inside them to do it. A small push from the outside can help them out.

I say help a friend by giving them that push. I also say give yourself that push too. I say find something you have put in the "not now" category & do it this week, or make solid plans to do it as soon as possible. Not only will it be refreshing, but it will add some excitement.

I don't ever recall a good Monday

As I look back at what I have seen, most of the good or better has been spuradic, fleeting, & not much. But I do not ever recall it happening on a Monday.

Monday seems to be reserved as the day everyone struggles to get through. The day everyone dreads. Even if it is not Monday, people have often used "It's my Monday" to express that today is a day they do not want & are pushing to get over as fast as possible. I say why not do a few small things to make Monday more bright?


Identify one thing you wanted to do over the weekend & do it on that Monday as a make-up.
Make a "could-do" list for the week instead of a "to-do" list.
Keep a running list of good things that happen for you on Mondays to look back on.
Find out what is making that particular Monday bad & eliminate it

What would/do you do to make Mondays fun?

Testing

So this is a test to see if I can get this blog up & running. I chose the name "This might or might not be updated" for two reasons:

The first reason being that this is a statement I like to use when trying to answer a question without answering it. "Wait a minute...do you like Sarah?!?" "I might or might not like Sarah".
It is technically an answer, but it does not answer anything, & the meaning can change with how you say it.

The second reason being that I am random in a non-random way. I can & have made routines successfully. But...I have also dropped them for no reason only to pick them back up at a later time. I can easily see myself posting in a routinely fashion, then stop posting for a month or so only to start up again in the same routine I had previously established, hence, "This might or might not be updated."

So check back oftem as this might or might not be updated!

Christofer