So Donny met this girl that works in the leasing office of his building, who mentions that she strips at The Circus once in awhile. Her next time will be next Thursday. Now a girl revealing this sort of information to a guy screams that she likes him.
Starting Expectations: Going to a strip-club with Donny & friends, where Donny knows a striper that: A) works there B) likes him C) gave him a personal invite D) can introduce us to the other strippers. Sounds kind of awesome, right?
Day before:
I get a message from Donny that he talked to the girl, who goes by “Bettie LaRoux”, said it is more of a burlesque show than a strip show. THIS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST OF MANY RED FLAGS. First off, strippers have names like Cupcake, Candy, Porsche, Mercedes, Valerie…ok, not Valerie. But that ex might as well have been a stripper. Second off, “Burlesque Show”. I figured that because it was on a Thursday that it would have been an amateur night or something of the sort. Also, when I think of “Burlesque Show”, I think of The Pussy Cat Dolls. Vegas Showgirls. Dancing/singing entertainment but adult oriented. These red flags were masked very well, so I thought nothing of it.
Day of:
The city this happens to be in, Columbus, had issued a “Level 1 Emergency” due to the huge amounts of snow it received & was still receiving.
How much snow you ask?
FIVE INCHES. Now growing up in Ohio, specifically Cleveland, I have seen twelve plus inches drop in a matter of hours & the cities having no problems clearing the roads. I also heard on the radio that “all 120 plows in Columbus were out working to clear the roads.” So what is the big deal Columbus?!? & also, what does a “Level 1 Emergency” consist of?!? I don’t know, but this caused all but three of us to cancel.
So Donny, Jon, & I meet at Donny’s. Now I, not drinking till my birthday, offer to drive so Jon & Donny can drink. (I know. What a really nice guy I am. Thank you for saying so!) We get to the Circus. They have curtains up to the left of the door when you walk in, but the entire front of the place that faces the street is ALL GLASS WINDOWS. This should have been another red flag. What kind of strip club has glass windows for the entire front of the place?
We pay the five dollar cover & enter. It is at this point we realize that it is not in fact a strip club, but just a regular bar. A bar that puts on a Burlesque Show type thing every month. Jon decides he is hungry & since it is a bar, goes to order food. He finds out that the kitchen of the Circus is closed. At 9pm. At this point Jon says “I will be back” & leaves. (Bye Jon.) Donny gets a Jack & Coke & gets me a regular Coke. We sit & watch a band set up the stage.
A band?
Yes, A band. Moving Parts to be exact. (Do not Google them. Not worth it. I do not even know how I remembered the band’s name.) This should have been yet another red flag. Donny & I talk for a bit & Jon comes back with a horror story about the lack of food options he encountered, & he gets a Jack & Coke from the bar.
The MC takes the mic, & does his thing, & introduces the first girl. (Now while Donny & I were talking, I was thinking about the situation. A bar, having girls strip, Not licensed for it, could lose their liquor license among other legal actions. I was wondering if there was a catch or if the bar just did not care.)
The first girl comes out scantily clad.
----- At this point in the story I would like to point out that in my life, I have always been honest, always been as nice as possible & always been as courteous as possible. When having to choose between being nice & being honest, I always, ALWAYS, choose to be honest. With that being said...-----
This girl was the type of girl who, wearing a full piece bathing suit to the pool, would make desperate men gag & run away.
Captain Ahab would have manned a ship in that pool screaming “Thaarr she blows!!!!”
If it was her & one man left on this planet to repopulate the world, that man would find a way to artificially inseminate her.
Some song starts playing as she walks out balancing a metal tray on her head with two candles on it. Like glade candles. When she gets to the front of the stage I notice that the tray has a clip on it that is connected to her hair. SHE IS NOT EVEN BALANCING THE TRAY. This girl then proceeds to take one of the candles, & pour the hot wax on herself. Not in a sexy-kinky-seductive way. She just pours it on herself with no emotion or expression. She then does so with the other candle all while doing some weird dancing thing. Now, in the last minute of the song, she takes off her clothes leaving on her bottoms with pasties on her tits.
(There is the catch ladies & gentleman!) In the remaining 30 some seconds she takes one of the candles & throws the remaining wax all over her chest, again with no expression, emotion, & not in a sexy-kinky-seductive way.
At this point these thoughts ran through my head:
What the FUCK did Donny get me into
This chic that Donny is talking to BETTER BE HOT
I am sober. SOBER. I NEED TO BE BLACKED-OUT-DRUNK FOR SHIT LIKE THIS!
There are at least three semi-hot chicks in the audience who would be WAY BETTER than any of these girls!
Where is the closest REAL strip club? WE NEED TO GO THERE NOW.
This goes on for two more girls, who are of same caliber, then we hear the MC state that “Bettie LaRoux” is coming on stage. Cute face, nice smile, so I can see how Donny would get hooked in, but I have to say is this: Donny has done better. Way better. & can do better. Way better. I later told this to him since he was intoxicated while viewing said show. (Gotta look out for your bro’s!)
So you figure five girls, five songs about two-three minutes each. One minute between girls. A total of roughly twenty minutes. Ok. Now the MC says that the band is going to play a set for intermission.
This band proceeds to play for the next TWO HOURS. TWO HOUR INTERMISSION. All original songs. Very, very loudly. The MC gets up on stage & announces that the band will be playing a few more, then we will move on to the next act. This is when I go to the bar. Even though I was dragged into this by my friend, I am still nice. I get Donny & Jon a Jack & Coke, & a regular Coke for myself. The bartender, who had a shaved head & multiple piercings on his face gave me a look. What type of look you ask? The type of look that says, “So you want two drinks for men, & something to wet your vagina with.” I now need to kill a bear with my hands to regain the manliness that was taken from me by that look.
I return with the drinks & notice something. The crowd that was in this bar was 99% hipster/emo/skater type. But now, by the bar, there stood two black gentleman with polo’s & baseball hats on, & a white girl in a very red, very nice evening gown type dress. They stood out like chain smoking meth heads at a Mormon Sunday picnic. You guessed it, our next act.
The MC introduces the vocal group by their name, (don’t ask, I blacked it out from my memory,) & they take the stage. Now the two gentlemen: Imagine Outkast, but when they were 17. They had some potential. The girl? Well, when she took the stage, Donny, Jon & I all agreed on one thing: She was pregnant. Very pregnant.
Did she have any potential like the two gentleman?
If you count “angrily screaming into the mic like your kid didn’t do the dishes” as potential, then yes.
(Side note: I feel sorry for the kid that is about to be born from her. He has a life of verbal abuse coming to him that no man/woman/thing should ever have. He is going to have so many complexes that a team of psychologist will be busy for years to come.)
At this point, we can not help but laugh at the whole situation. Both Jon & I decide to start blaming Donny. We both still blame Donny.
Now instead of watching this vocal group, I had focused my attention on a certain cowboy hat wearing, hula hoop toting brunette. She had entered the Circus while the band was playing during the “intermission”. She was clearing room below the stage asking people to move their chairs back so she had room. I was intrigued.
The vocal group finished, & the MC announces that the burlesque portion of the show will continue. He introduces one of the same girls, & it continues. Yay. So excited! (Sarcasm.)
Now when it comes to the brunettes turn, I was sort of impressed. She kept the hula hoop going the entire time while taking off her skirt, her top, & her bra, for the entire song.
Wow, she sounds like a fun girl! Did you talk to her?
No. & here is why: She might be the sharpest crayon in the box, but she is still a crayon.
What do you mean by that?
Explanation:
Let’s say you are in a park with an eight-year-old child. Who’s child? I don’t care. Your niece. Your kid. Your cousin. For all I care you could have bought the kid from gypsies. Point being, it is you & a little child in the park. Now let’s say a pack of wild wolves approach & attack. You, being the adult, have to protect yourself & the child from the wolves. Now let’s say & all you have is a coloring book & a box of crayons that the child brought. In these parameters, logic would state that you grab the sharpest crayon in the box to defend yourself. Hence, in that given situation, the best you can do is the sharpest crayon, but you will still lose as even the sharpest crayon is not good enough.
She was the sharpest crayon in the box, but alas, she was still a crayon.
A few more girls do their thing & the MC announces another band. Three songs in, we decide it is time to go. Donny closes his tab, & we leave.
Jon & I blame Donny for the heightened expectations, & the sheer disappointment of the night. Those who stayed in due to the weather chose wisely.
For those of you judging me right now:
If you are going to put on an art show, you are not going to show a blank canvas that your drunk uncle Bob puked on during Christmas dinner. You are going to show pieces of art that are good. You are going to show pieces of art that people want to see. Same thing goes for Strip clubs & burlesque shows or any sort of performance art. It has to be something that people want to see.
& as always, feel free to leave comments below or at contact@christofergutekunst.com
